What a lovely tuesday for...

Not eating!

So my weekend was interesting, I did eat, but not as much as I thought I would. I stayed under 1100 calories per day, if not less!

Yesterday, I achieved my personal goal of staying under 500 cals, I have the same goal today!

Yesterday, I did art all day. I sell art, and I also do psychic oracle readings as well, and the past 24 hours has been pretty busy around here, way too busy for food.

I have been on pinterest too, that is a wonderful place to find all the thinspiration :)

In the past, I would always lose patience with the weight loss process, however, now I am a bit more patient, thanks to the previous years lessons, I know all about patience. Fucking Universe~

So, I have been taking hella bronkaid tablets, I usually take 2 per day, and follow it with mega coffee. The coffee really ups the ephedrine, and then I get all jittery, and energetic and I do stuff.

The only complaint I have with Bronkaid, is because of the expectorant (its for asthma and bronchitis), it secretes in my vaginal discharge, and it makes it smell like I have been eating Mucinex. But I reckon its clearing everything out of my body. I am thinking I am going to need to detox here soon.

So, even tho I am still very overweight, at night when I lie down, cocked to the side a bit, my belly concaves in and I can feel some bones, because you know gravity and fat...it shifts. But even tho, I have not been able to feel that for some months now. In December, I lost a ton of weight, effortlessly, then gained it back, because my body chose to trick me into thinking I was pregnant. Stupid body! That's why you're on punishment right now!

Anyways, I think its time for me to buy a scale. I am terrified...I am scared it will really make me extra relapse, possibly into Mia, and if you know anything about that bitch, she will cause your weight to go up and down...and I feel like my self-control game is strong right now! The force is strong with this one ;)

hmmm....

So, I am pretty proud of myself for this week. I take things on a day to day basis,because making plans is usually ruined by my rebellious asshat attitude. So, no plans, just taking it day by day.

And this week, today is 4 days strong on serious restriction. I had a small jazz apple for breakfast, followed by water and a bronkaid tablet and iced homemade coffee all day!

So, i have this idea in my head, that if i get thru this whole week (including le weekend) with restricting, I start my exercise routine monday of next week. I believe I can get thru this week!

I mean whats a few months of my life, I have done this before, and been quite successful. The biggest different now is no meth, and I wont be going back to her. She is Cray!

I have always had trouble in the past with losing friends, and I fear the day that my overweight friends leave me behind because I got thinner.

I actually have one friend, she wears the same size as me, and she is always hating on skinny women. I cant tell her the truth about herself, that she hates on skinny women because she wishes she was skinny instead of fat. Maybe one day she will realize it on her own. I fear that she will leave me be when I get thinner.

I have not bought a scale yet, the truth is im terrified to repeat past mistakes. The number on the scale (in the past) determined if i binged or not. If it was smaller, I kept going, if it was the same or a little greater i would binge (and sometimes purge). I really don't want to start b/p again, its addicting. I would rather restrict and keep my mouth fucking closed.

I have been looking at before and after photos, and it is so thinspiring. It keeps me motivated. I want to become an after, and I shall! I believe I can succeed at this.

OMG! So many people actually have ed's and they may not realize it. One of my FB friends recently told me she went back to restricting to 500 cals per day. It made me feel some type of way, and i said "i will never restrict my body like that ever again"; yet here I be, only eating under 300 cals per day, sometimes only 100 cals.

I dont really know what transpired inside of me. oh yea, food got boring! NVM!

ok enough for today i feel

Well..

I chose to make this blog to track my personal progress and stuffs.

I have had ED around me since I was 12, and now I am 30. My shit has shifted from bulimia, to over eating, and now back to restricting.

I am severely overweight, thank you to having 3 kids within 3 years, and then getting all emo and then just replacing my need of love with food. Common thing, especially here in the states.

Everywhere you look, things are being celebrated with food. Got a new promotion, here is some cake! Oh, its your birthday, here is some cake! Oh, you graduated, cake! Oh you have new baby on zee way, cake! Everything in our society, ever achievement is rewarded with food. No wonder I had no self control, plus I am a huge sugar addict!

Anyways, so during my past 9 years of my life, I have studied holistic nutrition, low carb diets, no bread diets, and I have even gone off of milk products, not much really worked, because I was still eating. I learned a lot about supplements, and vitamins during my studies in Holistic Nutrition, everything I have done, was self-taught, and I actually pride myself in that.

I got into holistic nutrition because my kid was allergic to soy, and eggs. I learned how to cook without those two ingredients, including how to bake as well.

I would like to also add, during this time, I also recovered from my short term addiction to meth. I was led to meth, because of my ED, and it did help me lose weight, but it also helped me lose my mind a lot faster than anything else. So for that reason, I will not, can not go back to that. If there were a devil, meth would be her name.

A few days ago, I got tired of suppressing my feelings and emotions with food. The food got hella boring, and I was just done not having self-control. I am also choosing to go back to school for a bachelors and a masters eventually. I figure I might as fucking well!

Anyways, so right now I am not sharing many stats, I honestly need to get a scale. I have not owned a scale in years, because I really thought, that if i got rid of my scale, then I would magically recover! Turns out, I feel so out of control with my life. I have no one to love, and i love being in love. My children are not with me right meow (I chose them to be with their father). I am not really stable, and I would love to upgrade my life in such a way that I have more physical stability, and financial stability, no matter what!

I actually believe my weight has a lot to do with my level of success.

Anyways, so welcome to my fucked up life!

Love <3

SinxLovex